Archive for the ‘179.9 Gratitude’ Category

Day Two

March 21, 2009

6:30pm

By the way, I’m doing the time thing backwards from the way I did it on Day One, so if that is confusing, sorry.

OMG my feet hurt. Things I learned today:

1. You really should not wear heels on the U.S.S. Pampanito, but if you have skillz like me it can be done.

2. Skee-ball is the funnest game ever.

3. Petit Deli on Columbus, and the sweetest-est lady who runs the place, have a sandwich called “Turkey Delight” and it, my friends, is pretty much as good as it gets at the gettin’ place.

* * *

12:49 pm

I think a day and a half of the hermit thing is quite enough. So, Miss Holden is getting dressed up (ish) to go play with her BFF.

Also, Bryant, like clockwork, said hello today. That is all. Ciao.

* * *

9:41 am

He called. I was walking Prima. I didn’t know if it would be a good idea to call back, but I was able to ask myself to not judge anything as good or bad right now. And I decided, somewhere inside my authentic and wise self, that I would call back, and not be afraid.

I am glad that I did.

I told Jack, that I wanted to be clear on something. While I do think he acted in a cowardly way, I do not think he is a coward. I think he is a truly amazing person.

We talked, or he talked mostly…about the work he feels he needs to do for/on himself. At my most compassionate, I am heartened by his courage to face his fears and to face what he hadn’t in our relationship. Because I love him, and because I think he is a special person in the world, I want Jack to be able to, one day, fully open his heart to himself and anyone/everyone else he wants.

There is more, of course, but for now I’m going to be glad in the fact that, while I am still in pain and full of heartbreak, I am not angry.

* * *

7:53 am

Thank you, Victoria:

I’m so sorry. Take care, imminently lovable and loved you.

(Pretty awesome note, eh? She is the best.)

So, I slept kind-of shitty, but not terribly. I had lovely dreams and when I woke up, I checked to make sure all of this is still real and (surprise!) it is. So there’s that.

And then there’s the conversation I had with Nancy yesterday. There were signs. The first and probably most important being that (1) Jack invited me to live with him and we were planning to move-in together, but (2) he wasn’t ready and didn’t know when he would be.

With 20/20 hindsight, that says: “I am wasting your time and I’m too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can’t deal with it.”

The fact is that if he was in love with me, there would be no purgatory. No waiting after the sale of the flat closed. And I probably knew this more than I was willing to admit.

And he didn’t call last night. I know Jack more than I’m willing to admit, too.

* * *

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