Productivity, or what I have produced is often a frightening thought. A catastrophic thought. It sounds something like, “You’re 27 and you should have a book out by now.” or “Your apartment is a bohemian mess and that’s not how an adult woman should live.”
Lots of shoulds.
These thoughts do not serve me. Some people might be motivated by thinking something along the lines of “You haven’t worked hard enough today.” I am not one of those people. When I think this, my heart starts beating fast and irregularly and my hands start to tremble, and I hide. It becomes difficult to leave my apartment (agoraphobia), or I get into my bed and try to sleep it away.
I read a friend’s blog recently that spoke about a major league baseball player who missed a game due to his medical condition, which was reported as anxiety. My friend thought this was silly. This irked me…but instead of leaving a comment saying why I believe anxiety is a real thing, a real medical diagnosis that carries with it a multitude of symptoms that are truly debilitating (not unlike cancer or diabetes or any number of “accepted” conditions), I stayed silent.
I’m not sure why. Maybe because that just wasn’t the forum to out myself. The baseball player is a celebrity, an athelete, and an entertainer and my friend didn’t quite have the lens to also see his humanity. As a regular guy. Who deals with an unasked-for condition.
The good news? There is good news. The good news is that anxiety and panic are treatable. Very treatable. But it takes time, money, and serious commitment.
I thought I had things under control. I thought I’d conquered it. And there was a good long stretch of almost a year when I didn’t have any panic attacks. But the reality is that it’s flared up. It’s in my life again.
So now you know.
And happy Friday.
You can see all “Foto Friday” photographs here on my Flickr.