Love Story, Act II

I lost my boyfriend. The boyfriend, a boyfriend. I’ve always hated that word, even moreso than girlfriend. There was lots of crying and all that, there was some calm, and there was some distance. When he came back from Germany, we decided to meet. It wasn’t to reconcile, or to work on something that was gone.

There is love, yes, and our story refuses an end.

The ease of dichotomy is not our luxury as we continue on a blurry trajectory.

This is why I’ll call it a second act. In our play that writes itself without our permission, I am feeling not comfortable, but meeting the face of it.

There is no farewell, but a kind of youth in revolt. A love without discipline, sort-of Kundera-esque. For now. It may end up pedestrian, but if I keep my concern on a fate then I give in to fear. The opposite. What once was.

We did the normal things. Met at the cafe. Walked in the anonymity of downtown. There were times of no talking, there was nostalgia. I asked him over to my apartment, and his agreement surprised me. It was unlike him. It was fearless. We sat uncomfortably, we took to the bed. I asked him if he wanted to stay the night and he stayed the night. It was childlike instead of childish.

I am a love without a plan.

There have been two days since that day, if we count this morning.

Today I’d like to go to Sutro Baths. If there would be any setting for reinvention of something beautiful, it would be those ruins aside the ocean.

I can’t live with a protected heart. Please do not try to convince me it’s better. I relish in this, my fault. It helps keep me alive. It meets my anxiety, or disease, and breaks up what I’d built with expectation.

I can make no recommendations, so I’ll just write what I see. But to be free from the purgatory of waiting for this thing or that thing to happen, I’m finding a quiet and soft place of adventure. A hatchling of definition maybe.

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4 Responses to “Love Story, Act II”

  1. Abby Says:

    Love without a plan is wreckless, dangerous, and by far the most beautiful thing that any soul can embark on.

    Bravo, Holden.
    I can’t wait to see how this unfolds :)

    * * *

    Ah, thank you Abby.

    Here is the post script:

    Jack, somewhat predictably, declined my invitation. He has “errands”, but to his credit admitted that they were merely serving as convenience of an excuse. And this is how the Love Story is my Love Story. It has no room for his fear, either, and I must go without him. One can’t give up a perfect day to see the afternoon light on this place!

    So my camera and I are OFF!

    xx – Holden

  2. Jack H. (not that Jack, readers) Says:

    It’s beautiful to embrace what is, solely as it is, not as it could be, maybe, someday, if…. That’s the beginning of real love, and the ending. There may be other stuff in the middle — I’m not sure. :^)

    Best wishes to your heart, and the adventure that it’s on.

    * * *
    You are my new favorite Jack.

    But seriously, this was printed by me for me. If I believed in tattoos, I’d have it etched into my hand for remembering for (ever).

    xx – Holden

  3. Justine Kilkerr Says:

    To love without a plan is the only real, human way. You’re wonderful, a true warrior of the open heart.

    Take care and bless you and your brave soul.

  4. San Francisco is Sexy » Blog Archive » Sunday’s Sexy SF Link Love Says:

    […] SF Love Story. A true love story. […]

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