Day Two

6:30pm

By the way, I’m doing the time thing backwards from the way I did it on Day One, so if that is confusing, sorry.

OMG my feet hurt. Things I learned today:

1. You really should not wear heels on the U.S.S. Pampanito, but if you have skillz like me it can be done.

2. Skee-ball is the funnest game ever.

3. Petit Deli on Columbus, and the sweetest-est lady who runs the place, have a sandwich called “Turkey Delight” and it, my friends, is pretty much as good as it gets at the gettin’ place.

* * *

12:49 pm

I think a day and a half of the hermit thing is quite enough. So, Miss Holden is getting dressed up (ish) to go play with her BFF.

Also, Bryant, like clockwork, said hello today. That is all. Ciao.

* * *

9:41 am

He called. I was walking Prima. I didn’t know if it would be a good idea to call back, but I was able to ask myself to not judge anything as good or bad right now. And I decided, somewhere inside my authentic and wise self, that I would call back, and not be afraid.

I am glad that I did.

I told Jack, that I wanted to be clear on something. While I do think he acted in a cowardly way, I do not think he is a coward. I think he is a truly amazing person.

We talked, or he talked mostly…about the work he feels he needs to do for/on himself. At my most compassionate, I am heartened by his courage to face his fears and to face what he hadn’t in our relationship. Because I love him, and because I think he is a special person in the world, I want Jack to be able to, one day, fully open his heart to himself and anyone/everyone else he wants.

There is more, of course, but for now I’m going to be glad in the fact that, while I am still in pain and full of heartbreak, I am not angry.

* * *

7:53 am

Thank you, Victoria:

I’m so sorry. Take care, imminently lovable and loved you.

(Pretty awesome note, eh? She is the best.)

So, I slept kind-of shitty, but not terribly. I had lovely dreams and when I woke up, I checked to make sure all of this is still real and (surprise!) it is. So there’s that.

And then there’s the conversation I had with Nancy yesterday. There were signs. The first and probably most important being that (1) Jack invited me to live with him and we were planning to move-in together, but (2) he wasn’t ready and didn’t know when he would be.

With 20/20 hindsight, that says: “I am wasting your time and I’m too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can’t deal with it.”

The fact is that if he was in love with me, there would be no purgatory. No waiting after the sale of the flat closed. And I probably knew this more than I was willing to admit.

And he didn’t call last night. I know Jack more than I’m willing to admit, too.

* * *

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4 Responses to “Day Two”

  1. Abby Says:

    You have a kind of courage and strength about this that I never could have imagined. I tend to be much more hateful and hurt about these things. I hope and pray that you will continue in your strength and wisdom and allow yourself to be happy and to feel all of the emotions that come along with this.

    * * *

    Thank you Abby. I’ve had a head-start on the heartbreak thing. Also, years of therapy.

    xx – Holden

  2. Nathan Bowers Says:

    :-(

    Everybody has a recipe for dealing. Mine is 1) dark room 2) candles 3) Miles’ Kind of Blue on repeat.

    * * *

    Hi Nathan,

    Totally. Except I’m more of a Sketches of Spain on repeat girl.

    xx – Holden

  3. TK Says:

    Hang in there, Holden! I would recommend getting drunk and/or laid right away, but I don’t know if that works for girls the same as guys.

    You’re gonna be fine, anyway!

    * * *

    Thanks TK. xx

  4. Sarah Says:

    I’s sorry you are so sad. It seemed that you and Jack were the perfect couple. Would you take him back if he asks?

    * * *

    Hi Sarah,

    Thank you. And yeah, it did kinda seem that way. As for “if he asks”…I honestly have no idea…but more importantly, I just can’t really spend too much time thinking about the possibility because when I’ve done so in past relationships, it seems to prolong the pain.

    I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it, I have, of course. I’m not totally immune to the indulgence of dreams of Jack and some kind of “boombox on the front lawn” type scenario and we get back together and ride off into the sunset…wow, this is starting to be a whole blog post on its own.

    One day at a time, I guess. And today, I’m pretty fucking sure he’s not going to ask me, so that’s that (?).

    xx – Holden

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