Emo Purgatory

On a day like today, I’ll tell Jack or Nancy, “I have a bad attitude.”

I say it because it sounds funny, but it’s actually very true. I cannot pinpoint what is making me feel sad and frustrated and uncomfortable today.

I hate this feeling more than anything, and prefer more clear-cut emotions: anger, fear, lust, happiness.

Having an amorphous cloud over my head is confusing. I like to figure out what the problem is, and then do something about it. Or at least evaluate my Four Options.

But when you don’t even know why the heck ya feel like ya do…or even what you feel, it’s tough to figure out what to do about it.

If Dr. M was here, she’d remind me to “make room” for what I’m feeling. To “get curious” about it.

This takes patience. A lot of it. And that’s mostly why I’m writing all this. The writing helps. Directed thinking is nice, especially when all I want to type is:

ajsdlfkjsdjalsdjf

aowa ffoiqweja;owiej

and

owietj;aodimnvapsodjfj

You know?

I feel like I’m in an in-between place right now. And it’s uncomfortable. It may not be so much a transition phase as it is a waiting game. And I hate waiting. For things. To happen.

First there’s The Business. Nancy and I started this thing two years ago…and we’re still not launched yet.

It’s caused many people, including Jack, to lose some faith, or at least question what the hell we’re doing. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t even know.

Maybe when our website is up (this is supposedly happening mid-February) I’ll feel better. Or maybe when we get our first orders in. I don’t know.

Then there’s this moving thing. Sometimes I feel in the loop and sometimes I feel out of the loop. As I’ve said, I have no real control over any of the buying procedures/happenings, and I don’t even know how long this is going to take.

Plus, once the sale closes, Jack wants to live alone for “a few months”. So, I go back and forth from feeling okay about all of it to feeling like I’m in some kind of condo-purgatory.

Finally, there’s my work. As in, mostly, my poems. I’ve been being a good girl and sending out submissions once a week since the New Year. Which means I’ve sent out two.

I have a strategic plan of publishing in journals for the next 12-24 months and then shopping around my real manuscript. Publishing a poem book really is one of those things I feel I must do. I need it. Or, I think I need it to feel like I’ve finished something. I went to school, I went to grad-school, I published a book. 1-2-3, right?

At least I can smile a little when I see how ridiculous some of this sounds and looks in black and white.

If you made it this far, thanks. I feel a little better now.

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4 Responses to “Emo Purgatory”

  1. BG Says:

    Would it help if I said that I see a lot of people with bad attitudes these days, self included?

    Not just the standard free-floating anxiety type stuff, but something with a sharper edge to it.

    I don’t know how to cure it, but some patience seems to help in bearing it while it lasts.

    * * *

    Hi BG,

    Totally. I really think if you’re gonna have a “life skill”, patience is the one to have. The Buddhist mantra or whatever you call it, “This too shall pass” is essential in times like these.

    And it did. Pass that is.

    Thanks and kisses to you.

    xx – Holden

  2. lisey Says:

    everything will work itself out i have to remind myself of that at least once a day. tea might help or at least keep you hydrated. let me know if you want to have some soon.

    * * *

    Thank you, lisey.

    I can’t even tell you guys how much it meant to me to just have y’all say here, “Hey, it’s OK.”

    I’m not great at reaching out for help when I need it, but I think I’m getting better.

    Tea. Soon. Yes.

    xx – Holden

  3. amy.leblanc Says:

    i am not having one of those days today, but i have had innumerable many, so i feel you.

    hey, want to have dinner sometime?

    * * *

    Thanks Amy.

    Yeah. It’s been forever and three days since I’ve seen you!

    xx – Holden

  4. Amedeus Says:

    hang in there …

    Chocolate ?

    ;-)

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