This is how my darling BFF Monsieur and I make them:
me: You know what we should do Thursday night after the debate?
M: oooh what?
me: Watch Swingers.
me: For your education.
M: what if we did that tonite instead?
me: C’est possible.
M: cuz i meant to tell you, [redacted] wanted to go out after the debate tomorrow nite
me: Not a problem. Swingers, tonight, my place. Bring a vuhs.
M: i gotta go help my dumb co-worker with something – ughh
Sent at 2:43 PM on Wednesday
Sent at 3:24 PM on Wednesday
M: in principle i’m off diet coke but to celebrate the getting of CCG’s # I think I’ll have one
Sent at 3:35 PM on Wednesday
me: One Diet Coke or one regular coke?
M: diet pepsi to be precise
me: Diet drinks are nasty. If you’re gonna have a soda, have a goddamn soda.
M: yeah – i can feel the brain cancer coming on already from the aspartame. i just learned about that
me: SRSLY? You JUST learned about that?
M: which is why i’m off of it (in principle)
me: O. M. G. Dude. That study is bullshit. They re-release it every 5 years or so.
M: the cancer? and how donald rumsfeld and ronald reagan forced it through FDA approval
me: Remember TAB?
M: i remember tab as a concept
me: The FDA takes too long anyway. It’s all about soda with cane sugar.
M: i don’t recall what it tastes like
M: well too bad they don’t have a taqueria in our breakroom!
me: TAB tasted good…in that tasted-good-for-a-diet-soda-in-the-80s kind of way.
M: less filling
me: I’d still rather have corn syrup than aspartame. That shit is just WRONG. Brain cancer or not. It tastes like ass.
M: you are the aspartame nazi! i’m just celebrating this milestone! the tasty beverage is not important. if they had horchata in my breakroom i’d have that. [Redacted] is anti horchata – can you believe that? anti-milk and anti-cinnamon
me: Well, I’m anti-tapioca as foodstuff. Do they have regular coke in your breakroom?
M: really? i love tapioca. i think. i had indian for lunch and had rice pudding for desert – that stuff is grub. same as tapioca innit? omg so we’re having a TV date tonite -right?
me: right. no tapioca, and no diet drinks allowed
M: well i was going to wait until i got home to suggest that you bring the vuhhs to my place rather than me briniging the vhhhhsss player to your house, but I just remembered something…which is that I have on my DVR recorded right now the first episode of: Little Britain USA which we should also watch
me: Did you read Tim Goodman’s review last Saturday?
M: no. who’s that? and did he give it a good review?
me: Chronicle critic, hilarious, always, and yes it was a good review.
M: i have to say it wasn’t quite as good as the best orginal Little Britains, but not a bad start
me: But I can’t go to your place.
M: oh no? pourqoui?
me: No, I have to make sure I finish my product photographies. Besides, we’re doing your place tomorrow? Why do you hate my place so much? Huh? I demand answers.
M: i don’t understand a word coming out of your mouth. jk. Dude i LOVE your place. <3 it
me: No you do not!
M: i <3 prima
me: You’re always never wanting to go there. You hate her!
M: i just have a bigger TV! and pot. and more channels
me: 1. It’s not the size of the TV, it’s what’s on it. 2. You can’t bring pot to my place?
M: see: channels. yes or you can bring prima to my place. she can play with my pet rug
me: 3. Why do channel amounts matter when we’ve already decided what to watch?
me: 4. Pot is slightly more transferable than a dog.
M: we just added Little Britain to our viewing list. AND there’s more: new sarah palin footage being recorded tonite
me: How many hours of TV watching time do you plan to devote yourself to tonight?!
M: a LOT. HOURS
Sent at 3:51 PM on Wednesday
me: Your brain will be rotted with television before the aspartame gets even a fighting chance.
M: hello!? that’s my strategy!
me: OK. Fine. Your house. But I have “pre-conditions”.
me: 1. Prima is invited.
M: of course. good condition
me: 2. You will pick us up and drop us off back home at an appropriate hour.
M: whoa. ok
me: 3. …
M: has prima been to my house before? she better not “fuck shit up”
me: No! She hasn’t been to your house! Which is the reason I caved. It will be FUN to watch her in your house. She will love it. She will not fuck shit up, but if you don’t watch her, she might steal your stuff.
M: ooh a FIELD trip
me: But that’s between you and her.
M: steal my stuff – lol
me: I don’t lie. She stole a carrot cake of mine just last week.
M: good thing i don’t have any carrot cake. as long as she doesn’t steal those truffles
me: I keep the truffles in a double-lockbox above my dresser behind the portrait of Mary Queen of Scotts, where there’s a safe.
M: good girl. a single lockbox would be insufficient
me: So true.
Sent at 3:58 PM on Wednesday
 vuhs [vuhz] –noun a format for recording and playing VCR tape, incompatible with other formats. Compare BETAMAX. See: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6xk1z-8KAU&feature=related
 CCG = “Cute CalTrain Girl” A girl who M. met on Caltrain and has a huge crush on.
 M. has a lunch date with CCG on Friday.
 I always go to M.’s apartment and he practically never comes to mine.
 My adorable little dog who isn’t annoying or yippy like most little dogs.
 M.’s living room rug is of the white shag variety, and sheds more than most domestic animals.
 Part of M.’s very sweet birthday present to me.