Decisions, Decisions

This is how my darling BFF Monsieur and I make them:

me:  You know what we should do Thursday night after the debate?

M:  oooh what?

me:  Watch Swingers.

M:  well

me:  For your education. ;)

M:  what if we did that tonite  instead?

me:  C’est possible.

M:  cuz i meant to tell you, [redacted] wanted to go out after the debate tomorrow nite

me:  Not a problem. Swingers, tonight, my place. Bring a vuhs[1].

M:  i gotta go help my dumb co-worker with something – ughh

me:  k

Sent at 2:43 PM on Wednesday

M:  annnnddddd…..backtome

Sent at 3:24 PM on Wednesday

M:  in principle i’m off diet coke but to celebrate the getting of CCG’s[2] # I think I’ll have one

Sent at 3:35 PM on Wednesday

me:  One Diet Coke or one regular coke?

M:  diet pepsi to be precise

me:  Diet drinks are nasty. If you’re gonna have a soda, have a goddamn soda.

M:  yeah – i can feel the brain cancer coming on already from the aspartame. i just learned about that

me:  SRSLY? You JUST learned about that?

M:  which is why i’m off of it (in principle)

me:  O. M. G. Dude. That study is bullshit. They re-release it every 5 years or so.

M:  the cancer? and how donald rumsfeld and ronald reagan forced it through FDA approval

me:  Remember TAB?

M:  i remember tab as a concept

me:  The FDA takes too long anyway. It’s all about soda with cane sugar.

M:  i don’t recall what it tastes like

me:  Yuh-fucking-um.

M:  well too bad they don’t have a taqueria in our breakroom!

me:  TAB tasted good…in that tasted-good-for-a-diet-soda-in-the-80s kind of way.

M:  less filling

me:  I’d still rather have corn syrup than aspartame. That shit is just WRONG. Brain cancer or not. It tastes like ass.

M:  you are the aspartame nazi! i’m just celebrating this milestone[3]! the tasty beverage is not important. if they had horchata in my breakroom i’d have that. [Redacted] is anti horchata – can you believe that? anti-milk and anti-cinnamon

me:  Well, I’m anti-tapioca as foodstuff. Do they have regular coke in your breakroom?

M:  really? i love tapioca. i think. i had indian for lunch and had rice pudding for desert – that stuff is grub. same as tapioca innit? omg so we’re having a TV date tonite -right?

me:  right. no tapioca, and no diet drinks allowed

M:  well i was going to wait until i got home to suggest that you bring the vuhhs to my place rather than me briniging the vhhhhsss player to your house, but I just remembered something…which is that I have on my DVR recorded right now the first episode of: Little Britain USA which we should also watch

me:  Did you read Tim Goodman’s review last Saturday?

M:  no. who’s that? and did he give it a good review?

me:  Chronicle critic, hilarious, always, and yes it was a good review.

M:  i have to say it wasn’t quite as good as the best orginal Little Britains, but not a bad start

me:  But I can’t go to your place.

M:  oh no? pourqoui?

me:  No, I have to make sure I finish my product photographies. Besides, we’re doing your place tomorrow? Why do you hate my place so much?[4] Huh? I demand answers.

M:  i don’t understand a word coming out of your mouth. jk. Dude i LOVE your place. <3 it

me:  No you do not!

M:  i <3 prima[5]

me:  You’re always never wanting to go there. You hate her!

M:  i just have a bigger TV! and pot. and more channels

me:  1. It’s not the size of the TV, it’s what’s on it. 2. You can’t bring pot to my place?

M:  see: channels. yes or you can bring prima to my place. she can play with my pet rug[6]

me:  3. Why do channel amounts matter when we’ve already decided what to watch?

M:  b/c

me:  4. Pot is slightly more transferable than a dog.

M:  we just added Little Britain to our viewing list. AND there’s more: new sarah palin footage being recorded tonite

me:  How many hours of TV watching time do you plan to devote yourself to tonight?!


Sent at 3:51 PM on Wednesday

me:  Your brain will be rotted with television before the aspartame gets even a fighting chance.

M:  hello!? that’s my strategy!

me:  OK. Fine. Your house. But I have “pre-conditions”.

M: please

me:  1. Prima is invited.

M:  of course. good condition

me:  2. You will pick us up and drop us off back home at an appropriate hour.

M:  whoa. ok

me:  3. …

M:  has prima been to my house before? she better not “fuck shit up”

me:  No! She hasn’t been to your house! Which is the reason I caved. It will be FUN to watch her in your house. She will love it. She will not fuck shit up, but if you don’t watch her, she might steal your stuff[7].

M:  ooh a FIELD trip

me:  But that’s between you and her.

M:  steal my stuff – lol

me:  I don’t lie. She stole a carrot cake of mine just last week.

M:  good thing i don’t have any carrot cake. as long as she doesn’t steal those truffles[8]

me:  I keep the truffles in a double-lockbox above my dresser behind the portrait of Mary Queen of Scotts, where there’s a safe.

M:  good girl. a single lockbox would be insufficient

me:  So true.

Sent at 3:58 PM on Wednesday

[1] vuhs [vuhz] –noun a format for recording and playing VCR tape, incompatible with other formats. Compare BETAMAX. See:

[2] CCG = “Cute CalTrain Girl” A girl who M. met on Caltrain and has a huge crush on.

[3] M. has a lunch date with CCG on Friday.

[4] I always go to M.’s apartment and he practically never comes to mine.

[5] My adorable little dog who isn’t annoying or yippy like most little dogs.

[6] M.’s living room rug is of the white shag variety, and sheds more than most domestic animals.

[7] See: [NSFW]

[8] Part of M.’s very sweet birthday present to me.


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