Just when I think I’ve heard it all as a secretary, this call comes in:

Jane: Do you guys have any duct tape?

me: Um…

Jane: You know, the grey tape that’s really sticky? I just need a little piece.

me (inner voice): Are you fucking serious? You think I might not know what duct tape is? Also, you’re in an office that takes up two floors. I realize you’re an insurance agency, but maybe you have some duct tape.

me: Can you hold on for a second? Let me see if we have any.

So, I go to our supplies closet and start thinking, “Why does she need duct tape? And why am I looking for it?”

me: Thanks for holding, Jane. I’m sorry but I couldn’t find any.

Jane: Do you think you could send somebody?

me (inner voice): Send somebody? First off, Lady, this is not a hotel concierge. And if you think I’m going to call one of the building engineers to bring you a piece of fucking tape, you’re nuts.

Jane: My air-mattress has a leak.

me: Your air-mattress?

Jane: Yeah, you know, I could just stop and pick some up on the way home, but I really don’t want to spend the money for a whole roll.

me (realizing this is for her home and not something in the office): Hm. Well, I can put in a work order, but it’s going to go in the queue so I doubt the engineers will have time for it today.

Jane: Thanks so much.

Obviously I didn’t write any work order. This is the fucking Financial District, not like Siberia, where duct tape might be hard to come by. And WTF “I don’t want to spend the money”? I realize times are tough, but that’s like a $4 investment. And after you’ve taped up your air-mattress, Jane, you can save the roll for the holidays:

Twelve Holiday Uses for Duct Tape:
by Jim and Tim—the Duct Tape Guys authors of The Duct Tape Book(s)

12. Red duct tape with white duct tape trim covering a down ski jacket makes a cheap Santa outfit.
11. Hang stockings from the chimney with duct tape.
10. Fasten decorative lights to railings of house with duct tape.
9. Thin strips of Duct Tape make great self-adhering tinsel.
8. Cover the inevitable gift fruit cake with duct tape and use as door stop.
7. Wrap gifts in Duct Tape for the gift that says, “Open me… eventually.”
6. Cover Christmas tree boughs with green duct tape to prevent needles from dropping.
5. Cover your dead tree limbs with green duct tape and cut fringes in the tape. Presto! Perma-Christmas Tree!
4. Control that hideous holiday weight gain… Duct tape over your mouth.
3. Duct tape over the names in last year’s greeting cards and resend them.
2. Silver duct tape turns that old bride’s maid dress into shiny holiday formal wear.
1. Duct tape great grandpa upright in his chair.

or… you could make a “munchie bowl”:

How about some fashion accessories?

Or how about duct-taping down the handset of your telephone every time you get the urge to call and bother me?! Better yet, just stick a piece over your mouth, bitch. I have labels to make here, and invoices to stamp.



Guys, Duct-Tape. "Duct Tape Guys."

     11 Aug. 2008.  


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4 Responses to “OMFG”

  1. Victoria Marinelli Says:

    I was a serial temp with upwards of 30 different secretarial gigs in this town over about a 7-year period. I could fill a whole book with crap like this. The dumbfuckery of office workers (who invariably think secretaries are an entirely stupid lot) never ceases to astound.

  2. nezua Says:

    you had me at munchiebowl

  3. greg Says:

    your patience is to be admired. had it been me I might have said something a bit meaner.

  4. noodlejunction Says:

    I can understand not wanting to buy a whole roll. I mean the expiration date on a roll of duct tape would be something like the year 3763 and we wouldn’t want it to spoil…

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