A Day In The Life

I wake up too early. Smoke a cigarette and return to bed with earplugs.

I wake up and Prima has left me a present. I smoke a cigarette and we go for a walk. Good morning Fog City.

Begin work on close-reading of Garret Keizer‘s “Turning Away From Jesus: Gay Rights and the War for the Episcopal Church” (Harper’s, June issue). Three more cigarettes.

Start making coffee in French press, take meds, line up meds for next week. Work on writing.

IM from Jack. (my response italicized)

i just signed the final divorce papers — kinda intense
I see. What did it feel like?
strange — a lot of emotions in a blender — a good happy/mad mix
You miss her?
i’m glad it is final
I wasn’t aware it was not final.
it takes 6+ months — a long process — all the papers are submitted to the court and sit for 6 months
You don’t feel, you know, “closure”?
of course! — don’t get me wrong — i’m so happy to have that part of my life totally over — and excited to move on
I’m sorry that I don’t really know what to say. It’s a very new and strange feeling for me.
lol — yeah me too — can we go have fun today/tonight?
I would like to.
yeaaaaa! — what is your schedule like today?
M. and I talked about brunch if he doesn’t go kiteboarding. And I’d like to clean up a bit. I’ve been in my writer’s head for the past 12 hours.
is that good or bad?
For my work, good.
good — maybe we should really start to talk about our art project — over some good food
Yes, I will take notes.
and honestly i really need your love/affection/sweet pretty face tonight
Honestly, I really needed to hear you say that. It’s relieving. Thank you.
well it’s true — i knew i needed to be alone this morning, but i can’t wait to be on the receiving end of your love tonight
It makes sense now. I was, well, confused last night. And felt put-off. But I didn’t know.
sorry, i suck at communicating sometimes — i apologize — i should have been more open
Accepted. Kiss.
Well, it’s done. Hopefully next time.

dfntly next time
can we agree on that?
I can agree on that.

I feel strange.. my heart heavy? (I met him post-separation). Gloria Anzaldua says that “Language is a male discourse.” If only they would use it better. Still, I am comforted.

Raleigh is still very ill. My little sister Nancy has found out. I didn’t want her to know yet, she’s on vacation in South Carolina. She is crying. Dog is not even 2 years old. She can’t stand up. Tested neg for Lyme disease. It’s sad.

Uploading photographs. Starting to feel tired. Time for siesta. After laundry & eating. I adore peonies.

Receive email from Nancy. She wonders, could this be it? I don’t click the link. I am sad about the dog. Working on Jack’s (secret) birthday present.

Receive email from Lynne, the daughter of an infamous man (his name, or at least his company’s name, is a household word) who is now in jail for white-collar crimes. She wants to write a book, and has accepted my offer to assist her. I am not so much interested in the sale of the book, as I am interested in helping the girl who is there for my own sister. Lynne is family. I also want to express my empathy. As if the father-daughter relationship isn’t difficult enough, both of our fathers have done things that do not make sense to us. Lynne lost her dad to a jail sentence, Nancy and I lost our father (albeit intermittently) to alcoholism. She is a beautiful and kind young woman, and I am thankful for and to her.

Wake from siesta. Jack called and he is coming over in one hour. I think I got my 1st bloody nose when I tried to do a somersault dismount from the zipline between two trees. Attempt failed.

Get out of shower. I am shaky (haven’t eaten) and my skin is itchy. I take an anti-histamine. Eat a tablespoon of honey. Smoke a cigarette.

Agoraphobia sets in. I take an Ativan. Decide to break-in my new shoes. Yes, I am a woman who intentionally gives herself blisters. I listen to music and decide if a song has a clinky toy piano in it, I love that song.

Jack arrives. I kiss him and hold him. I am uncomfortable and know I need to go out to get my Rx. But first we lie in the bed and kiss more, then both feel uncomfortable. Something is wrong.

We take Prima on a walk. Stop at the bodega for cigarettes, I remember I’d bought a little present for Jack and I tell him this. It is at home. He asks,

“Am I going to like it?”

and I use this as an excuse to show him that I am not happy,

“Who asks that?”
“I just did,” he says.
“That’s an odd question to ask,” I reply.

Some very unhappy silence as we walk up the hill to Polk Street. We walk down Polk to the pharmacy and I cannot take the silence any longer.

“Are you unhappy?”

He returns the question and I say yes. He explains that he felt that whenever he needed my love and affection, I was unable to give because I was also in need. I realize this is the second man who has made this complaint, and I am ashamed. I go into the pharmacy and pick up my Ativan and Seroquel. We go to the pizza place across the street and I eat for the first time today. After eating, I of course feel much better. I apologize, Jack apologizes and we go home.

Email from M. Wants to know my newly discovered spot, a place I think he might find a date.

Reading fear propaganda with Jack about how CERN is going to create dark matter and suck up the whole world into it.

Finally finally watching Bertolucci‘s The Dreamers. We get perhaps halfway through the film and must, must make love, now. Then fuck. More, again. An hour or more goes by and the soundtrack of the film is beautiful. I orgasm during the sounds of a 1968 Parisienne riot, the chanting of, “Dans la rue!”

I am reminded of Thomas Mann (again, which means I have to go back and read Death in Venice again). A colleague from graduate school, Muriel, has sent me an email:

no, I don’t think you are a nutbag, i think it’s important to read and interact even with the weirdest of things. though families against feminism sounds a bit shrill… i have read some of brenda‘s book and she did a reading in ’03 our 2nd month at saint mary’s. oh, and i am glad that you dumped charles because he was not good enough for you. he did not deserve you but we must get this out of our system when searching or experimenting. the only way to know a good guy is through practice. i love chesler too, and i read women and madness many moons ago which was my first intro to her. what are you reading now? hollah at yr girl

We finish the movie and go to sleep.


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